Easier said than done but not impossible. And each year is a year of possibilities, and the surprise that it was. Lessons can be a shock to the system, which woke me up from my daydreaming and wishful thinking. I may have allowed my escapism to take over what was genuine and beautiful about me and my life. Thank God for grace, and second chances.
Lesson One: Love requires confidence. Facing my fears is one of many uncomfortable cliches I deal with. Otherwise I cannot love in whatever form. This confidence has been welling up slowly through different experiences with my direct family and closest friends. Gone are the days when I coil up in self-pity. Courage is love with a healthy self-esteem, or what I’d like to call “hedgehog love”. I struggled through what seemed like a huge hurdle; I didn’t know how much my heart could take. And, how able my legs were to walk away.
Lesson Two: Sadness and tiredness will never go away. Because I am human this is part of the process and makes me ME. Rest is now part of my lifestyle in that I can stop, look, and listen to my heart, mind, and soul. When I am present to myself, I can heal completely, I become whole. I have permitted myself a vulnerability which opens me up to more opportunities to love. I can pause, take a breath, and continue on; detours are probable as long as it helps me stay the course.
Lesson Three: Being liked is overrated. Hard to swallow but a necessary pill. Yes, at times, I am vain, self-centered, and a social butterfly. This feeds my ego but I need to stop overeating ---validation, affection, compliments, attention, acknowledgment. It was call time to get fit ---from the inside out. I am not entitled to anything, nor deserve any love or praise received. If others offer patience and understanding, that is gift enough.
Lesson Four: Lost is a place too. Self-awareness means awareness of both the light and dark areas in me. More questions just meant more seeking, and more seeking meant more questions. Answers come eventually but I’ve found that insight is far more valuable. When I allow the process to form and stretch me I come out wiser. Discernment is good for my soul, as darkness helps me appreciate the light.
Lesson Five: Best is better. Words unsaid are not left... but given time to mature into something more. Space and solitude is life and air to me, and to those whom I’m journeying with. There is contentment in not trying to figure everything out because God gives grace and a spirit of surrender to just BE. How the world handles the search for meaning and purpose is a relentless rat race, pitting good against better, and still not winning. I will let the Holy Spirit show me what the best life is instead.
*original post 2015.12.12