A closed heart is the worst prison. (St. Pope John Paul II)
Love dictates that I risk it all. Ready or not.
Whether I am ready today is (also) tested. At each and every moment I face, whether it's the risk of losing momentum or when I sacrifice my desires. If and when I fail is equally considered. That paradox is weaved into the fabric of life.
The tear in that quilt is fear. It starts as a small hole, hidden in plain sight. Sometimes it's a wall, built of stacked concreted, from "recalling past mistakes" to "counting costs" --a veritable fortress of emotional bookkeeping. It is a subtle evil, an affront against love. And it is weakest from the inside.
I need to keep peering into my depths, into a sea of groans (and grudges) and find the key that God had already kept safe inside. This will help free me be more open to embracing my cross. It will prepare me though I doubt I will be truly ready.
A holy life requires an openness to love. No indifference, no record keeping, no prisons. Holiness is attained only in suffering which is part of lov-ing. It's messy and marvelous at the same time. And a long journey. This difficult road needs to be tread upon. That's just how love is. Yet God will not let me experience pain in vain. Love has a learning curve like no other. My hope is that I learn and be mastered by it for love is true freedom, true gift and true glory.
Love lives in risk because it is everything and all. Ready or not... here it comes.
*original post 2010.02.08