I recently fixed my room.
Yes, I'm an adult. And yet messy seems to be this hard habit to break.
I try, and try hard. Admittedly, I only really try hard when I've lost a pair of gloves or something more important. I set it aside as a chore, letting it pile up. And it did, finally. I couldn't find one important thing: a floor to walk on(!) And here comes the metaphor--
The room of my heart, my soul, my mind is a space I cannot afford to set aside. Every year I need to make room in there. It carries very important items, which get lost in the hustle and bustle of the unimportant: fear, doubt, pride, and the constant appearance of worldly lint I call indifference.
I (really) should care that there is clutter in my life. If I did that in the first place, and replaced old habits, I wouldn't slip and fall more times than I should. I can make room. I just choose not to.
Today, I simply need to focus... on the important. They require the room more than anything else. To focus is to make room. Tidying up each day, each moment, like a checklist that won't quit I must create the space for me to breathe, to grow. Plus, I would see the way so much better. Making room requires an effort on my part. I do not know the hour... but that hour must come. And so I (must) prepare.
"'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." ~A.A. Milne
My room looks somewhat leaner than it did a while ago. However, it's missing a few pieces still. So, recently I bought some roses for the altar. This definitely lit up the room. Albeit, this (whole thing) is a work-in-progress. Upon further reflection recently, these are what's important, and usually forgotten:
a) Wonder. When was the last time I looked up and stared at the sky, for more than just a minute and lingered there? When was the last time I was on top of a mountain looking down at a vast valley? That wide-eyed look on a child's face reveals a lot about the true nature of surprise and awe.
b) Desire. Much can be lost in translation with this word. Our hearts ache deeply for something. We throw around words like meaning and purpose, but do we know why? How much is a need worth? I desire deeper things and so for these I must carve out substantial acreage.
c) Joy. I always love seeing smiles on people's faces. It is the one thing that not only creates an instant high, but it is a high that lingers. I often chide my one of my best friends to smile even when no one's looking, because eventually someone will. And the domino effect is priceless!
Make room, dear self. For all these and more. At day's end, it is only these that we will fondly cherish.
A closed heart is the worst prison. (St. Pope John Paul II)
Love dictates that I risk it all. Ready or not.
Whether I am ready today is (also) tested. At each and every moment I face, whether it's the risk of losing momentum or when I sacrifice my desires. If and when I fail is equally considered. That paradox is weaved into the fabric of life.
The tear in that quilt is fear. It starts as a small hole, hidden in plain sight. Sometimes it's a wall, built of stacked concreted, from "recalling past mistakes" to "counting costs" --a veritable fortress of emotional bookkeeping. It is a subtle evil, an affront against love. And it is weakest from the inside.
I need to keep peering into my depths, into a sea of groans (and grudges) and find the key that God had already kept safe inside. This will help free me be more open to embracing my cross. It will prepare me though I doubt I will be truly ready.
A holy life requires an openness to love. No indifference, no record keeping, no prisons. Holiness is attained only in suffering which is part of lov-ing. It's messy and marvelous at the same time. And a long journey. This difficult road needs to be tread upon. That's just how love is. Yet God will not let me experience pain in vain. Love has a learning curve like no other. My hope is that I learn and be mastered by it for love is true freedom, true gift and true glory.
Love lives in risk because it is everything and all. Ready or not... here it comes.
*original post 2010.02.08
The passing of one life into the next.
It is an expression of growth and fullness.
For example, weddings. Here vows are exchanged, when forever is promised to one another. I have come to understand that this meaningful exchange of promises is not accidental. The reality is much more reassuring when the heart is open to the forever for which one hopes.
I'm at a stage in my life where hope is growing stronger, where love is growing deeper. It is also a time of great trial for myself: decisions must be made, not in haste but in sure resolve. Amidst the anxieties that may come with the process the possibilities are ever before me.
At weddings one can't help but be in awe of a love so holy. Yet this is also a stage.
I remain open and trusting of the process.
*original post 2010.05.23
Willing as we think we are to traverse a straight line life keeps challenging us with detours and (other) possibilities.
Having travelled for as long as I have does not guarantee me a proximation of the life I had envisioned for myself. I am constantly distracted by another prospect, another way to go, another opportunity, another reality. The list is ever before me.
With that said I am forced to look harder, dive deeper:
What do I want?
To coerce myself to pause is a good distraction. What I'm running after matters more in retrospect. It needs to be something that will fulfill me. Or else why run after it?
For now, I take a deep breath... a moment to define my ache.
The running can resume in due time.
*original post 2009.10.26
Year in and year out we write down what we wish to do for the new year, and plan on making plans. Then, year and year out each and every opportunity simply passes us by unless we take notice and take hold. Lessons are learned, and (some) bridges are burned.
This is the privilege of being alive. And of having choices.
We take stock of our most significant decisions, and reflect further on the probability and/or possibility of new ones.
All I know is that to be resolute in a happy choice is to keep moving forward. This is because I am choosing to be thankful to be growing up. And sometimes choices like lists or plans are thrust upon us, to face head on, ready or not.
Change is funny that way. Or unfunny depending on how your day is going. But change comes whether we are ready to laugh or cry. It is as sure as sunrise and as unpredictable as death. It reminds me that I am still here today.
This, being (alive) and living, is my blessed lot, the fortunate event, a constant spiral --it's good to be here.
May hope and grace guide you while you are here.
*original post 2009.01.01
I have decided to start blogging again.
Partly because I've renewed my site for another two years. Mostly because I want to consolidate my written thoughts on to one site. Why not here?
And so I will share with you my own journey, as well as repost the important lessons gleaned from (my) old "watering holes." Currently I am challenged with an empty canvas as well as a bucket full of options of what is best and helpful for you to read.
I find too that even starting is in itself a process.